Orgasmic choice

  • Published 2014-07-13

When the whistle blows the game is over. Painfully, we know this. Quickie sex is surely delightful. However, when I’ve created some decadent space to dissolve into delicious love making, a rapid orgasm can be tinged with disappointment.

I know of women who have worked out how to ‘make’ men ejaculate quicker so they can get it over and done with – I’ll even admit to having done so myself.

Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes is titled on the premise that this is how long sex lasts on average. The research statistics are less generous (look it up) with the suggestion being that it’s surprisingly quicker than imagined and certainly falls short of what is desired.

Not to say that ‘how long one lasts’ is necessarily a measure of a quality or fulfilling sexual encounter. There are many other factors at play. It can however be cause for dissatisfaction and distress. Premature ejaculation is described as ejaculation that occurs earlier than desired. In a hetro-normative context, where the satisfaction of a female partner may be considered, that’s almost certainly to be the case when statistically woman take longer to orgasm what men do.

These are generalisations of course. Regardless, any dissatisfaction that may be felt doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.


The following points are pertinent for ejaculatory control for men (and the partners who love them). After all, if sex is so enjoyable, why would one possibly wish for it to end prematurely!

  1. Ejaculatory control is an essential practice for conscious love-making. Occasionally though, do allow for a (safe) release – if not with a lover, then in self-loving. It’s no good at all if ejaculation becomes ‘bad’.

  2. While you may think you have control, you don’t! The feminine has the most phenomenally awesome power to dissolve your control with the snap of a figure.  With agreement the practice becomes a joint one. Communication creates the space for you (and you lover!) to remain relaxed (which is very important in the beginning).

  3. Based on point 2, practice with self-loving. With self-loving there is full control. And yet even in self-loving you will loose control. Practice some more – you have permission!

  4. Redefine what is meant by control. There are two ways to flow with this… using focused control that requires a ‘doing’, and a control that takes the form of not doing and remaining as relaxed as possible. I tend towards the later.

  5. Take it really, really, REALLY slow (#slowthefuckdown). I’ve found that I am most ‘in control’ when penetration is preceded by plenty of relaxing into a bliss state, experiencing energetic orgasms first. Breathing and moving energy together is powerful.

  6. Have no urgency, no need to achieve or attempt to make anything happen other that relaxing deeply into the enjoyment and pleasure of each moment.

Enjoy! Actually, this should be point 7. Enjoy everything about the discovery, the ‘getting it wrong’. Develop a sense of curiosity and witness yourself from a neutral place. Allow for playfulness and humor. Gentle compassion, kindness and love.

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