Being in a different country (and under managed isolation) I’ve been exploring different ways to connect with the local tribe, to find opportunities to feel welcomed and included. I joined a group of humans in an online group who, on the whole seemed interesting, fun and inclusive – and then I was ejected, without explanation and no way to find out.
I’d like to say I wasn’t bothered – c’est la vie and all that – but a part of me was. It sat gnawing away in the shadows of my mind for a few days. It’s not an uncommon experience in our modern (disconnected) online-world, going by the term ghosting.
I could try and guess why I was excommunicated. However I’m well aware that guesses tend to come from wounded places: I’m not good enough or I’m bad. That being so, guesses tends to be wrong and damaging to the sense of self.
So I try not to give those thoughts (they do come up) any attention. I even go so far as to allow for the not knowing to be okay – not in a stoic, defended way but by being okay with the discomfort of uncertainty.
Still, the bother was there, perhaps an echo of my 8-12 year old self when last in this country. At that age I was being judged, rejected and sometimes attacked for being South African at a troubling time in South Africa’s history. In part I took that on.
I observed an internal (one-way) monologue with the caretaker of this group, starting with the obvious: Why? What did I do wrong? Have I offended or upset someone? Crossed a boundary? Is there someone I can apologize to? How can I repair this?
I do get rules and boundaries, and the need to create an environment of safety. I also get the old wounds carried as a result of power differences and ignorance, and the need to navigate these with gentle compasion. I’d like to think I hold these with the respect they deserve and feel willing to be informed and corrected where I’ve been blind or careless.
What I’m left with is a feeling of helplessness, and strangely a sense of relief. Yes, this could be a defensive response – regardless, my feeling towards the holding of this group is a lack of safety. By excluding me from the conversation I’ve been handed the banner of “enemy”. Isn’t this what any marginalised or prejudiced person feels, regardless of the reason?
It bothers me because it feels contrary to what I stand for.
Failing safely is an opportunity to learn and to deepen connection. Failing safely is an acknowledgment of our humanness. We learn through the mistakes we make, and by trying again. It’s an expression of a greater intent to find harmony and balance by allowing for disharmony and imbalance to be brought to light so that there can be an opportunity for repair. It’s compassionate and caring.
Removing a margin for error opens a doorway for the perpetuation of misunderstanding and discontent, lying, cheating, rebellion and dissent. It separates and upholds qualities of fear, judgement and blame.
As a parent, if I can nurture an environment of failing safely for my children they will be more likely to go out into and experience the world with curiosity and a willingness to embrace the unknown. They will be more likely to get support and seek out answers to help face the challenges they meet.
I actively want my children to feel safe in sharing their ‘failures’ or struggles so that healthy solutions can be explored and tested. I want them to know that it’s okay to make mistakes, that the intention of qualities such as care, compassion, kindness and respect – towards self and others – is of more value than being ‘right’ and allows for the clearing of misunderstandings.
I feel that the root of most dissension is misunderstanding. Our human capacity to understand each other is flawed in multiple ways – at best we can only get close to a sense of understanding based on a feeling of harmony and balance. Failing safely opens an opportunity to clear and repair misunderstanding through empathy and vulnerability. Here tools such as Non Violent Communication and Radical Honesty can play a role.
Ghosting will persist in closing doors. I trust that others will open where space is intentionally created for failing safely in support of healing and growing connective, inclusive and supportive communities.