I took myself on an immersive journey into nature – it had been a long time coming, and after a good rainfall the waterfalls would be pumping. There’s a special quality present after rain: different scents welcomed me with an entourage of delicate sensations reaching out from the surrounding air and damp sounds.
For this dive into the underworld of my psyche I’d amp’d up the intensity and agreed to hold myself with mindful awareness of the present moment. Wearing shoes with minimal soles, while still being electromagnetically disconnected from the earth, brought me into close contact with the ground. With my eyesight teased by a dappled and dancing mosaic of light and shadow, and feeling unsteadily each step over slippery, uneven ground, I was called to slow the fuck down and fail safely. There was no ‘where’ to get to, much to allow in sensation and feeling without (or in spite of?) being overwhelmed. It was ok to use my hands, receiving support from mossy rocks and gnarly roots… slipping, sliding, getting soggy dirt into my skin… and repeatedly earthing the charge of my nervous system.
Up through gullies, past the waterfalls and across fields with mildly bewildered bovine and ovine, I passed through the portals of the underworld, believing I was on my way out, not in. I was on a loop, literally an actual loop, called either Magnificent Loop or Waterfall Loop depending on which way you were going. Either way, a sign promising Magnificent Lookout (seriously!) took me out, humming to the tune ‘I Saw the Sign’ (my mind can’t help it… later on it switched to “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls’) as I headed up into this promising new gorge.
The off-line version of ‘click bait’, a further sign just said ‘Lookout’, but didn’t really explain what to look out for. Further still, a different kind of sign: a weathered skull in the path, which I choose to ignore. Turns out it was myself I had to look out for, the I that trips me up, and the self for which I am guardian and carer. As the path up became less distinct and ever more river – with narrow, steep and slippery bundled into a single buy-one, get-two free package – my curiosity and desire to explore was trumped by a need for care of my well-being. Not as an independent, but with support and a little help from my friends. As I very slowly and carefully navigated my way back down, each branch or foothold that had supported my passage up welcomed me back with a simple message: you’ve met, found peace with and embraced your death, now do that with your living!
Thank you.
In a dance journey, one of the intentions in the initial stage is to burn off any excess energy. This minimises capacity of our habitual defence mechanisms so we can drop into greater emotional vulnerability and empathetic feeling with those sublimated parts of ourselves desiring to be seen, heard and acknowledged. I had begun to reach that point in this journey. Since the waterfalls I’d not encountered any other humans and was taking shelter from the sun under a Manuka grove at the base of Big Rock (seriously, who names these things!).
Quick backstory: around the age of 15 I made an unconscious choice to tone-down and withdraw my sense of wonder and unique, self-expression – probably just one of many that have progressively dulled and isolated my being and living in this existence (hence the message received). In this particular instance I was cycling past some school girls who just happened to laugh as I went by. I experienced it as being laughed at and made fun of (because of what I was wearing), becoming instantly self-conscious and filled with shame. Too much to bear I found a way back home via another route to change into something that was muted and covered me more before setting out again.
Back in the glade my spidey-sense altered me to the presence of other humans and, feeling suddenly unsafe, I found myself preparing to prematurely head off. There were two younger (than me) women and, as I passed them, they laughed between themselves. It was divine perfection of exactly what was needed in that moment. Emotion flooded through me, my tears taking guidance from the waterfalls. I openly and freely grieved the loss of my innocent, care-free, wondrous and, dare I say it, magnificent nature as I trundled down through Magnificent Gully in the direction of my camp, intermittently roaring, shaking and burping as old, stagnant energy was expunged from my being.